(letter to my siblings on the first Father’s Day without dad)
Father’s Day is forever different for us starting this year.
No card to write. No phone call. No tie/coffee cup/tee shirt/baseball cap to buy.
If only there were no regrets …
I wish dad were here to see _______________________.
I’d like to tell dad _______________________________.
I wish I had ____________________ with him more.
I don’t know how many times I’ve thought, “I need to ask dad _______________.” It was such a habit to talk to him about so many things. It is amazing how an adult can be so dependent on a parent and never even realize it.
To say, “It sucks!” is somewhat of an understatement, but good Christians aren’t supposed to use the more “expressive” words (I’m not even sure if a Baptist pastor is allowed to say, “It sucks!”). After all, we know he is in “a better place”. “We don’t mourn today as those who have no hope.” “We will see him again “on the other side” in the sweet by and by.” “He’s better off now.” And so on …
I miss him.
And, it sucks.
Yes, healing is coming, but it only serves to illustrate how pervasive the loss is. Why does everything have to take twice as long and be three times harder than we expect.
That sucks too!
If there is any solace in knowing you are not alone, then the past few months have provided me with quite a bit of company to love in our mutual misery. I’m not sure how it helps really. Except is does give me a couple of people to send this letter to. Which in turn gives me the impetus to write it. And I suppose that is another step in healing as I process, consider, wax nostalgic, ruminate, etc …
At least we had a dad that filled such a large part of our lives. It was an incredible gift. We were very fortunate that he was so much – so connected, so involved, so proud, so available …
Of course, that left a pretty big hole …
I know it won’t always be this way. I know it gets better. I know we have to get through all the “firsts” – Father’s Day, birthdays, Holidays, events and occasions… And they never end. There is always one more special moment we will wish we could share with dad, one more question we wish we could ask, one more doubt we wish we could share …
It’s a good thing that we have a Father in Heaven, but boy He better step up to the plate big time! And He does. I know in the end we’ll all be fine. We’ll make it through with the loving support of so many friends and family members. Our Father in Heaven has never left us and His love endures forever.
I get all that.
It’s just that this is harder than I thought.
It’s taking too long.
And it sucks.